Technical Mistakes Almost Every TG Author Makes That Shouldn't Bother Me But Send me Into the Homicidal Throes of Blind Seething Rage Anyway

Nobody’s perfect. Not you, not Ghandi, not Mother Theresa… hell, not even me. And TG authors are no exception. Of course, this is ultimately a good thing for me, because I wouldn’t have anything to blog about otherwise. But there are just biological, anatomical, and cultural misunderstandings I see SO often in the TG world, it makes me so mad I just wanna… I just wanna… RAGE BLOG!!!

Goddamn Clyde is back.

 

No. 1: Bewbs 1: Cup Sizes

(Seen in: Julie O’s “Double Jeopardy”, anything by Wholeman)

Boobs seem to be quite a mystery, (if there are any virgins in the crowd, they kind of feel like buttcheeks). Even to people who have them. Thanks to my perverted mind, though, a chunk of my life online has been spent “researching” them.

For science!

 

I’ve mentioned this first one before in my bimbo article, but since it has more to do with this article than that one, I decided to run over it again. Also, it will make it seem like I have more material to write about, which will make me seem smarter.

In a lot of TG stories, when becoming a woman, a man’s breasts swell to ridiculous proportions. Your typical TG author’s fascination with bountiful bouncing mammaries has at least inspired some of them to do enough research to know that there are letters in the alphabet after D. (This realization probably blew their minds).

Anyway, since it’s common knowledge that when someone spontaneously transforms into a woman it doesn’t all happen at once (Technically this is true), the breasts tend to grow over a varying period of time. This is often described, with all the subtle genius of Paul Jutras, in cup sizes.

A… B… C… D… DD… DDD… E… F… etc. (and there really instances of et ceteras on FictionMania. More than a few. *coughWholemancough*). Of course, it should be noted that the step between DDD and E is actually a reduction in size. Double D and Triple D are the same as E and F, respectively, meaning G comes directly after triple D. Whether you use double/triple D or E/F depends on geological region. Likewise, doubling any other letter (with the exception of A) is equivalent to the letter directly afterwards, and tripling is to equivalent to the letter after that.

Since I’ve complained about it twice now, I should mention that this isn’t a huge problem. Most stories never go higher than triple D, and even if they do, they don’t even bother with double D and triple D, muscling on through just the way you do with the alphabet.

I knew all this shit I learned in Kindergarten would come in handy someday!.

 

But that’s not to say it doesn’t happen. I’ve even heard said mistake in an Isabella Valentine file. By a woman! With boobs! Shock! And Terror!

No. 2. Bewbs 2: Band Sizes.

As seen in: Jennifer White’s “Enhancements 2”; Scrambler J’s “A Hunter’s Tale”; Ellie Dauber’s “Bikini Beach: Invasion from Space”

Does nobody know anything about bras? Seriously, this is frustrating.

Okay, here’s the extent that appears to be common knowledge among TG authors: Bra sizes are composed of two different parts, a number, and a letter. The bigger the letter, the bigger the boobs. So that absolutely must necessarily mean the bigger the number, the bigger the boobs, too!!!

HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO THINK THAT oh wait, that’s right, actually.

Well, at least partially. Here’s the breakdown.

The letter, as everyone knows, is called the cup size, while the number is called the band size. The cup size measures the actual size of the breasts, which the cups are meant to cover, while the band size is the measurement of the chest directly beneath the bust, ‘cuz that’s where the bra’s band goes (both are in inches in the US). They may not be the most original names, but at least they’re easy to remember.

But wait, if the cup size is measured in inches, why does it use letters? Silly Red Ochre, lettrz arnt numbrz lol bet u didnt noe taht!

That’s because they’re relative to band size. If your cup size is A, your breast measurement is one inch greater than your band measurement. If it’s B, it’s two inches, and so on.

So technically, breasts of the same cup size are bigger if the band size is bigger. If you’re a fat chick with 58DD’s, your chest is 63 inches around at the bustiest point, while if you’re a supermodel with 14DD’s, your boobs are only 19 inches.

But next time you think you can make a woman hot by pushing her bra size from 34DD to 40DD, remember you’d be writing about one barrel-chested woman. For some perspective, 40 inches was the greatest measurement my waist has ever been. That was back when my gut was hanging over my belt and I thought it might be time to cut back on the deep fried butter bacon burrito burgers.

Life's simple pleasures.

No. 3: Whore Moans

A whore only moans at approximately 63 decibels! There are far too many stories in which someone easily hears a whore’s moan from… wait, I don’t think this is what I was supposed to talk about.

Right, hormones. Estrogen gets blamed for a lot of shit in the TG world. In reality, among other things you wouldn’t expect, it makes women happy. It doesn’t make them horny, that’s testosterone. Yes, women have testosterone (men also have estrogen HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE CRAZY). It also doesn’t cause mood swings, that’s progesterone. Too many times these effects have been blamed on “female hormone”, or blatantly “estrogen”. Do thirty seconds of research.

No. 4: Genetics

As seen in: Prudence Walker’s “Polly Merman”; Jennifer Allison’s “Paying Off Money Owed to the Mob”; Lisa James’ “The Vulvoid Transform” and “The X-Virus”

These days, everybody everywhere knows that whether your reproductive organs are on the inside or (partially) on the outside is determined by your 23^rd chromosome pair, specifically by what combination of two types of chromosomes called X and Y make up said pair. But in case you dropped out of preschool biology for whatever reason

Though I'd assume it's the same reason anybody drops out of school.

 

Here’s a refresher course.

Anyway, so one day, a TG author considered this and said “Hay! Since dis is wat determinez ur sex, and since teh human body is as simple as an abacus, if u wer to spontaneously change teh X-Why 2 a XX, den u wuuld becum a GUHHRRLLLL!!!!!!!”

Okay, admittedly this one pisses me off a little more, because I really think it should be common sense. But first, I should go into a little more detail about the kind of stories in which you’ll find this.

From a Sci-fi standpoint, actually replacing chromosomes isn’t that farfetched. A virus or nanite or something of the sort would be able to do this to at least a majority of a human’s cells (by the way, nanites are used in waaaaaaay to many TG stories), so that’s not quite what I’m complaining about.

The Y chromosome is pretty small, and there are only about twenty-something genes on it. Out of all of these, there’s only one that makes you end up a dude. Here’s how it works.

You’re a fetus. No, really, look at yourself. Haha, j/k made you look. But seriously, let’s say you’re a fetus with a Y chromosome. Up until a certain point in your development, about 3 to 4 months into your 9 month lease, you’re a blank slate in the gender department

And about as Androgynous as you'll get until your "experimental phase" in college.

 

And that’s when your Y chromosome triggers a surge of hormones that “masculizes” you, and you end up a man. Well, a tiny, underformed, vaguely alien looking sea monkey of a man at the time, but you’ll eventually develop as a male is what I’m saying. If you don’t have a Y chromosome, and no masculizing hormones are present, you end up as a woman, which is kind of like nature’s default.

So now you know that having a Y chromosome isn’t like keeping your asshole stuffed full of wolfsbane during a full moon to keep you from turning into a werewolf.

And we've all been there... We have, right?

 

It’s not like said Y chromosome is constantly in a state of preventing you from reverting back to your female default. That masculizing gene has served its purpose. It made you develop into a male.

So what would happen if real life were a TG story, and all your Y chromosomes were suddenly commanded by your idiotic author to take an indefinite vacation? Besides massive union legislation?

Probably not much. There aren't that many genes on the Y chromosome, and they don’t seem to be necessary for staying alive or functioning normally, since women get along fine without them.

Though you might lose your ability to keep track of Baseball stats.

Most of the genes on the Y chromosome have something to do with semen regulation, so you’ll probably end up infertile, but you can blame that on the jackass that thought he was going to turn you into a girl.